Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
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I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
the chicken was already gone when I got here
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
What a chick magnet..
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass