My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
You Might Also Like
🤭😂
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?