When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
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Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
A roof is a house hat.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Ha
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.