If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
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Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what