Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
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I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.