Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
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I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Me irl
sugar glider wrangler
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬