Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
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how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.