Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
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Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…