Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
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*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
This makes total sense…
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”