[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
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Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
She puts the hot in psychotic
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
They’re called werewolves.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.