Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
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You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.