Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
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Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago