welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
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My hips? Compulsive liars.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Yes my dude
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
what the
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.