I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
You Might Also Like
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.