I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
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We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
This is a sub tweet
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
what’s really going on
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
We have a winner.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.