[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
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“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.