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Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure