The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
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I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible