Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
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Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
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Local Singles 7.8 Mile
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I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.