Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
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“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
<—- homeless romantic
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Yes my dude
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?