You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
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Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
*Seductively hides in the woods
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
selena gomez
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up