RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
You Might Also Like
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me