Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
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Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
You learn something every day
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.