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What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old