*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
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Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.