*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
You Might Also Like
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.