Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
I put the hot in psychotic.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
The Others (2001)
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.