“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
You Might Also Like
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.