Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
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When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.