911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
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Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
My favorite female superhero
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.