I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
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[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.