A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
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i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?