[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
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[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili