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If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
c’mon!
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.