Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
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~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.