Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
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my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
i can’t wait that long
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭