MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
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[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
when nothing goes right… go left
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take