As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
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Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
*aggressively waits in line*
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?