Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
You Might Also Like
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.