Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
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“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
i hate you platonically
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Last-minute gift idea!
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
🤣🤣🤣
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*