I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
You Might Also Like
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo