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I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”