just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
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For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.