*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
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Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Dietest Coke
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*