I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
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I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
WHY?!
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
He took my last fry, your honor
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.