No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
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day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Brands during Pride
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
These aren’t even hard anymore.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.