You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
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My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!