“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
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everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.