“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
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I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.