Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
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hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.